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Welcome to www.DavidWilhite.com David Wilhite is a part-time writer of fiction, humor, satire, and editorials; and a full-time political critic. The content of this web site represents his views, and his alone. Friends and family will, no doubt, keep their distance from any sentiment expressed here.

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♫ how old are You? ♪

It was one of those whimsical conversations that we sometimes have.

My daughter started out by asking how old a person has to be to get a driver's license. One thing led to another, and she said, "I heard about the magic numbers: age 10, because that's when you reach double digits; 12, because then you're a pre-teen; 13, because then you're a teenager; 15, because you can get a learner's permit; 16, because you can get a full license; 18, because then you can vote; and 21, because you can drink."

I said, "Here are a couple more magic numbers to add: 25, because your insurance rates go down; and age 65, because then you can retire."

She gasped in shock at the staggering number, "Age 65! That's like how old God is!"

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Title: The Truth Is In Here
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Personal Reflection Article: personal/018-TheTruthIsInHere
Posted Date: 27-Sep-2008 Created Date: 27-Sep-2008
David's Comments: I know how it really happened.
Reader Comments: none

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The Truth Is In Here

The setting is a humble hut in a small village in the Fertile Crescent. The date is 1400 BC. The time is late one spring evening. Our hero, Prophet, sits at a table, bleary-eyed, struggling to see by the firelight, pondering his existence.

Prophet: (closing his eyes, and praying aloud) Dear Yahweh, I have come to a crisis of faith! The elders of my village insist that the world was created by a great dragon, whose bowels became the fertile lands, and whose teeth became the towering mountains, and whose stomach contents became the turbulent seas, and whose breath became the blowing winds, and whose scales became the glittering stars.

But I simply cannot believe their stories. So I come to You. I beseech Thee, oh Father of all, that You tell me ... how did You create the world?

(long silence)

Yahweh: I can see the time has come ... that humankind has reached a point in its intellectual development that you must all finally know the truth.

Prophet: Oh, thank You!

(long silence)

Prophet: Are You still there?

Yahweh: Sorry, I was trying to think how I can explain this so you'll understand ... I'm ready to begin now.

Prophet: (snatching his stylus eagerly off the table) Oh good! I'm ready to write it all down!

Yahweh: OK, it's like this: the multiverse exists as a broad array of universes, each with its own unique set of universal constants. One day I was bored and decided to stir things up a bit. So I nudged your universe such that it collided with an adjacent one, and the resulting collision formed a massive quantum singularity that rapidly expanded as a huge wave of energy to form all that exists in your universe.

(long silence)

Prophet: (staring vacantly at his clay tablet) I'm going to put down "Yahweh said, 'Let there be light.'"

# # #

Title: Know Your Fellow Drivers
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Personal Reflection Article: personal/017-KnowYourFellowDrivers
Posted Date: 21-Sep-2008 Created Date: 21-Sep-2008
David's Comments: I've used male pronouns here for sake of convenience. But these personalities are in no way confined to the male of the species.
Reader Comments: none

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Know Your Fellow Drivers

Don't you wonder what they're thinking? ... other drivers ... when they do the things they do. After years of driving experience, observing drivers for miles at a time on interstate highways, I like to think that I've come to understand a few of the personalities operating in the drivers' seats.

Lefty: For Lefty, the left lane is not just his entitlement, it's his destiny, and his reason for being on the road. It doesn't matter if he's not the "fastest" driver, because in his mind he's driving "fast," and it's the "fast lane" isn't it? Well then he should be there! If you need to go past him then you should use the passing lane ... you know, the one on the right.

Righty: Passing is for speed demons, not Righty. If he has to slow to a crawl to avoid using the left lane, then so be it. Passing is risky; it requires changing lanes; changing lanes is like changing one's mind, being fickle. Fickle is bad. Besides, he's pretty sure he has to take an exit ramp about 10 miles down the road. What if he doesn't have enough time to finish passing before he has to take that exit? No ... it's just not worth the risk. Righty annoys me sometimes ... but only when I'm sitting in his passenger's seat.

Dragster: Dragster likes to drag race. When he meets up with another Dragster on the highway, he squares his car up with the driver in the adjacent lane. His sweaty palms steady the wheel with a grip of iron. He grits his teeth in anticipation of the burst of blinding speed. The brim of his fedora shields his forehead and ears from the harmful UV rays that penetrate the windshield of his 1976 Behemoth sedan. And the drag race begins ... to see who can drag his butt the slowest. Funny how it turns out to be a dead heat ... for miles.

Random-Foot: A good driver drives by feel. It's the only way to go. Random-Foot appreciates that. Sometimes it feels right to drive 90 miles per hour, which dramatically reduces his risk of being rear-ended. Sometimes it feels right to drive down the center line, which dramatically increases his interaction with other drivers ... most will feel compelled to make eye contact with him as they go by ... and some will even be inspired to give him that special single-finger wave.

Vampire: You might mistake him for Lefty. But Vampire is not hanging out in the left lane because he thinks he should be there, nor is he taking his sweet time passing that truck because he has no respect for you who are stuck behind him. Indeed, you must pity this poor soulless creature, as Vampire is deathly afraid to look in the mirror. And don't bother flashing your lights at him; you will simply confuse him as to why his headliner is suddenly lighting up.

Leader: His job is to set the pace for all other traffic. Don't go getting uppity and try to pass Leader; he will increase his speed to match yours ... until he begins passing the next car ... then he will return to The Right Speed, which he can enforce now that he has the passing lane blocked. If you ever do succeed in passing him, don't try to make eye contact, as he has a withering glare that will surely embarrass you, you speed demon.

Follower: You'll only see Follower as you're passing him, or in your rearview mirror (unless you're a Vampire). Once he's behind you, he'll hug your bumper so tightly you'll think he got caught on your trailer hitch. There's no point in slowing down to let him pass, because he doesn't want to. Your only prayer is that someone faster than you will come by and be more attractive to him.

Flasher: No, Flasher doesn't drive naked. But you know who he is ... you've seen him ... there, in the right lane ... with his left turn signal on ... for three miles now, and counting. Every once in a while a considerate driver in the left lane will pause to let him in, but he doesn't go. Obviously he doesn't realize his turn signal is on. Why not? Well, he can't hear it clicking because his window is rolled down or his music is cranked up, and he can't see it flashing because he hasn't looked at his gauges ... for three years now, and counting.

Frogger: He's the one trying to predict the behavior of the drivers in front of him and behind him. You'll easily spot him because he's switching lanes often, as if playing an IRL version of Frogger. Rumor has it that around town he times different routes to find the optimum one. But that's just a rumor. Really. I wouldn't know anything about that.

# # #

Title: Black
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Personal Reflection Article: personal/016-Black
Posted Date: 10-Sep-2008 Created Date: 10-Sep-2008
David's Comments: Thank goodness no one I know reads this stuff!
Reader Comments: none

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Black

I don't look very good in black. It makes me appear even more pale than I already am.

But some insist on dressing me in a black fedora just the same.

Why do you suppose they do that? I don't know. Maybe it's because we naturally assume that when there is conflict, someone has to be the good guy and someone the bad guy.

So how do people decide who's the bad guy? Maybe some actions that a person takes will always show us. For example, if I shoot a dog, I'm definitely a bad guy, right? ... or am I? ... What if the dog is Old Yeller?

If I escape from a burning home, and run to safety, leaving a victim to an unknown fate inside, surely I'm a bad guy ... and a coward. Does it matter that I emerge limping, gasping, and covered in second-degree burns?

I've been wearing that hat for a year now, and I grow weary of it. It doesn't suit me.

However, I'm not the one who gets to decide how others dress me. Maybe someday I'll do something that will inspire others to give me a new color scheme. But quite frankly, if they don't trust my judgment that the dog was too sick to save, other things I do probably won't make much sense to them either. And if they don't trust that I nearly killed myself trying to save the other fire victim, they'll always be suspicious of my motives.

On the other hand, black is supposed to be slimming, isn't it? And is anybody still making movies in the Film Noir genre? Maybe I can get a role in one of those!

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Title: World's Greatest Prez
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Political Cartoon Article: politoon/003-WorldsGreatestPrez
Posted Date: 24-May-2008 Created Date: 24-May-2008
David's Comments: None ever are likely to surpass him in at least one category.
Reader Comments: none

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LCD - Lowest Common Denominator - cartoon series by David Wilhite

World's Greatest Prez

Title: J
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Personal Reflection Article: personal/015-MyGFJ
Posted Date: 06-May-2008 Created Date: 06-May-2008
David's Comments: I might pay for this. Oh well ... don't do the crime if you can't do the time. :)
Reader Comments: none

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J

She has pretty, big, blue eyes,

but she doesn't read my stuff.

4000 readers, on the rise,

yet this one would be enough.

Now I post and risk demise,

hope she doesn't call my bluff.

If you see her passing by,

tell her this site's full of fluff.

# # #

Title: Deacon Blues
Author: Steely Dan
Category: Lyrics Article: lyrics/006-DeaconBlues
Posted Date: 19-Apr-2008 Created Date: 1977
David's Comments: Have I ever mentioned that I really, really like the lyrics of Steely Dan? :) I'm feeling these lyrics right now. They're from the Aja album.
Reader Comments: none

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Deacon Blues

Steely Dan, 1977

more Steely Dan lyrics at www.SteelyDan.com

This is the day

of the expanding man.

That shape is my shade,

there where I used to stand.

It seems like only yesterday

I gazed through the glass

at ramblers,

wild gamblers.

That's all in the past.

You call me a fool;

you say it's a crazy scheme.

This one's for real;

I already bought the dream.

So useless to ask me why.

Throw a kiss and say goodbye.

I'll make it this time.

I'm ready to cross that fine line.

CHORUS:

(I'll) learn to work the saxophone,

I'll play just what I feel.

Drink Scotch whiskey all night long,

and die behind the wheel.

They got a name for the winners in the world;

I want a name when I lose.

They call Alabama the Crimson Tide;

call me Deacon Blues.

My back to the wall,

a victim of laughing chance.

This is for me:

the essence of true romance.

Sharing the things we know and love

with those of my kind:

libations,

sensations

that stagger the mind.

I crawl like a viper

through these suburban streets,

make love to these women,

languid and bittersweet.

I'll rise when the sun goes down,

cover every game in town.

A world of my own:

I'll make it my home sweet home.

[chorus]

This is the night

of the expanding man.

I take one last drag

as I approach the stand.

I cried when I wrote this song;

sue me if I play too long.

This brother is free.

I'll be what I want to be.

[chorus]

# # #

Title: Destined to a Fate of Possibility
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Personal Reflection Article: personal/014-DestinedToPossibility
Posted Date: 10-Apr-2008 Created Date: 10-Apr-2008
David's Comments: We can't rely on a Parent for everything.
Reader Comments: none

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Destined to a Fate of Possibility

Every future offers more Paths of Possibility than human imagination can envision.

And yet we fall back on Destiny, an invention of the mind too narrow to examine Possibility; on Fate, an excuse of the spirit too beaten to visit Alternative.

If God exists, surely she tires of her parental role, her shoulder wet from giving consolation to her children, her fingers sore from prying open their eyes, her arms strained from pulling them to their feet to convince them to walk and to run and to play.

# # #

Title: A Man Of Faith
Author: David Wilhite, et al.
Category: Humor Article: humor/008-AManOfFaith
Posted Date: 16-Feb-2008 Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: I don't know where this one came from. I heard it a decade ago. But I've repeated it enough times now that I think I need to put it in writing. Like any of my favorite recipes, I cook this joke from memory, seasoned the way I like it.
Reader Comments: none

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A Man of Faith

A minister awoke one morning to find floodwaters rising around his home.

As he stepped out onto his front porch to survey the situation, he saw that the floodwaters spread around as far as he could see. His own small car was already submerged to the top of the hood, so he knew that he could not save himself. But he did not despair; instead he thought to himself, "I am a man of Faith; God will save me."

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the edge of his porch floor, when a police officer came in a four-wheel-drive SUV, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The SUV drove on.

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the edge of his roof, and he had climbed up there, when a neighbor came in a motorboat, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The motorboat drove on.

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the base of his chimney, and he stood atop it, when a rescue team came in a helicopter, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The helicopter flew on.

So he waited, and prayed ...

... and drowned.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter saw him approaching, and asked him, astonished, "What are you doing here? It's not your time!"

The minister replied, "Well, I prayed for God to help me, but He apparently decided not to."

St. Peter could barely contain his frustration. "We sent an SUV, a motorboat, and a helicopter! What were you expecting?!"

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Title: Philosophy Madlibs
Author: David Wilhite, et al.
Category: Humor Article: humor/007-PhilosophyMadlibs
Posted Date: 10-Nov-2007 Created Date: 26-Oct-2007
David's Comments: We have such respect for the deep thinking ability of the leaders of moral or philosophical movements. But now you can do it yourself! There's no need for introspection or eloquence; just fill in the blanks.
Reader Comments: none

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Philosophy Madlibs

Hey, kids! Create your very own school of philosophy! Just pick your favorite type, and fill in the blanks!

Fundamentalist:

On the Day of Judgment, ______ [deity] will cast all ______ [disliked class of people] into the Lake of Fire. The Word of ______ [same deity] says in the book of ______ [funny-sounding name], chapter ______ [number], verse ______ [number], that they who ______ [action to be discouraged] shall be ______ [appropriate eternal agony]. It is my duty to love all ______ [same disliked class of people]; but it is for their own spiritual good that I think they should all be ______ [creative form of capital punish] and their children branded and cast out.

Liberal:

Firstly, I am not ______ [unpopular personal attribute], nor do I think I will ever become ______ [same unpopular personal attribute]. Frankly, I think being ______ [same unpopular personal attribute] is distasteful and somewhat icky. However, I will defend to the death every person's right to be ______ [same unpopular personal attribute] in the privacy of their own home. Probably they should not teach my children, but some of my best friends are still ______ [same unpopular personal attribute].

Conservative:

A healthy, free society cannot withstand or condone the presence of ______ [disliked "-ism"]. Furthermore, we must strive to eradicate ______ [same disliked "-ism"] wherever it occurs, here or abroad, and support the principles and vital interests of free market trickle-down capitalism. All too many well-meaning ______ [sympathetic class of people] are innocent tools of ______ [enemy nationality] aggression.

Supremacist:

The only good ______ [disliked race of people] is a dead ______ [same disliked race of people]. They are in league with the ______ [disliked class of people] and the ______ [disliked religion] to destroy the integrity of my race. I read that they are behind an international banking conspiracy headed by Nelson Rockefeller (who isn't really dead!) and the United States shadow government. All ______ [same disliked race of people] should be electrocuted in boiling acid after watching their children being fed to dogs on national TV. So there!

Stoic:

Despite being consistently exposed to ______ [social mistreatment] because of my ______ [unpopular personal attribute], I pity those who see this as a stigma, as I have benefited greatly from my deformity, and see all the more clearly how to ______ [act of flagrant denial].

Existentialist:

There is no supreme being, nor universal master plan. I am responsible for my own ______ [household maintenance activity]. And I answer only to myself. Therefore I shall ______ [personal indulgence] as much as I please, so long as I consistently ______ [personal hygiene activity]. Vote Libertarian in November!

Terrorist:

Praise ______ [deity], who delivers us from ______ [enemy] by giving us access to incendiary armaments, and by blessing the faithful throughout their lives of self-denial and suffering at the hands of ______ [same enemy] and their complicit allies. The faithful will be rewarded by ______ [hedonistic activity] in ______ [location of afterlife] for sacrificing their lives to rid the world of all ______ [same enemy]. Praise ______ [same deity]!

Crackpot:

I am not responsible for my actions because ______ [mystical beings] inhabit my ______ [body part or internal organ]. I am fortunate to be one of the select few members of ______ [organization] who understand the truth. I aspire to acquire worldly wealth so that I can donate it to ______ [same organization] in exchange for an opportunity to be judged a more self-aware person, and thereby more powerful in ______ [same organization], regardless of how insane our theology may seem to outsiders. I have not been brainwashed. Really. I'm serious.

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